My First Time Using a Sploof and Botching It

Sploofs are all the rage these days. They've been used for decades in an effort to make lighting up less smelly and more incognito.

These little things may look funny, but they're no laughing matter. Sploofs are serious business and people get passionate about their little personal air filters. Hilarious debates erupt on forums about whether they work or not, passion spewing out of the proponents. The forum debates are what lured me into writing about this topic. That and the fact that my first time using a sploof was an epic fail.

How Well Do Sploofs Work

Sploofs actually work very well. The best ones are 99.97% effective at removing odor from your smoke.

Most homemade sploofs do not work very well. The paper towel and dryer sheet version is not very effective. It may lessen the odor a little, but nowhere near to the extent of a commercial grade sploof. The commercial grade versions use commercial grade filters and materials that make them much more effective.

My First Time Using A Sploof and Botching A Bong Rip

commercial grade sploofI hopped in the Uber and to the drivers surprise, he was to drop me off in Tampa. We were in Orlando which is 1.5 hours from Tampa without traffic. He stupidly blurted out, “There goes my night,” like a little boy who couldn't hold is tongue. He realized the stupidity of what he just said, knowing that I would get the chance to review my experience. He then apologized and tried to buy me food at the gas station lol. Nah, no thanks bro.

Eventually I arrived at the airport in Tampa, where I was to meet one of my best friends from high school, Cortana, who was flying back to Tampa that night. Yes, she's Asian. Cortana lived there and I was going to be staying at her apartment that night. After she landed, her long-time boyfriend picked us up and we headed back to their place. On the way, she ordered some jumbo burritos on UberEats so we could have some food ready before we hit the bong.

I had never been to Tampa and never smoked with Cortana before. I wasn't a pothead in high school or college, so she hid her danky ways from me. Needless to say, I was excited to finally smoke together. You're not really friends with someone until you get high together. If you still like each other while high, then you're officially friends.

We arrived at her apartment and I was ready to make this friendship official. I don't remember the details after arrival. We probably exchanged some niceties or whatever, but I remember when she pulled the bong out. It was a run of the mill green glass bong. She loaded it and took a rip, then blew into this chode-like object. I had no clue what it was, as I was just entering my first year of smoking.

In fact, I had just smoked my first blunt about two weeks before that. Also, this was before Florida passed their medical marijuana law, so that was another reason she needed to keep the smell down. That and the fact that she didn't want to smell like weed at work.

A Whatta What?

She told me the little chode was called a sploof and it filters the smoke. I was confused by the weird name but astonished by how well it worked. You could still smell some smoke, but it was mainly the bowl we were smelling. It wasn't nearly as strong as when I faced a blunt in my apartment two weeks prior. The freaking sploof chode worked.

I proceeded to take my first bong rip ever. I didn't know what I was doing and it turned out to be an epic fail. I put the fire right above the bowl and inhaled. A second later, Cortana told me to “pull it.” Having no clue what that meant, I started to inhale with all my might when she said “pull it.” After all, I didn't want to look like I was taking b*tch-rips in front of my long-time friend. I thought that's what she meant by pull it, that I needed to pull more smoke into my lungs. Nope, she was telling me to pull the bowl. Whoops!

A split-second later I was coughing my lungs up and she was laughing at me. Now I really felt like an idiot, coughing hopelessly into the sploof chode as best I could. My eyes were watering and I had just been defeated by the bong.

Gorilla Glue

dank weedWe were smoking Gorilla Glue, which is a 50/50 hybrid. We both were high as hell and our food was sitting there waiting on us to dive in. High out of my mind, I picked up her food and thought it was mine. Eventually we figured it out and starter mashing the burritos. The food was amazing. It was dripping wet with guacamole and salsa. I made a mess with it but was in heaven for about 10 long minutes, laughing for no reason and bashing the best burrito of my life!

Oh No!!

After finishing the food, we sat on the couch watching something forgettable on TV. We tried to talk, but the words weren't coming out right. It sounded like, “Isn't it weird how people visit people hahahahaha” or “What are they on TV ahahahahahaha.” It was hilarious but impossible to hold a fluid conversation, so we sat in silence focusing on ourselves.

Then Cortana headed to the bathroom. Blaaaaaaah…splash…drip! She was puking her brains out! Even though the bong defeated me, I felt a lot better knowing that I held my own weight with a seasoned stoner chick. The last time I really kicked it with Cortana before this was several years back when she came to visit me when we were in college. We drank a lot that night, and she also threw up. She wasn't a light weight, so it's weird that she threw up. Stringing the clues together, I think she throws up around me lol! Maybe she gets nervous or something, idk.

After puking, she went to her bedroom, cuddled up to her boyfriend and passed out. I was on the couch all alone, high as hell in a strange city on a Sunday night. I literally felt glued to the couch and couldn't move. The name, Gorilla Glue, suddenly made sense. Eventually, I used all my might to lay down and went to sleep.

The Sploofy Was The Real MVP

sploofEven though I missed the sploof horribly at times, it did a great job at filtering the air. When I woke up that morning, there was no weed smell. In my own apartment, the smell from a blunt, joint, or bong could stick around for days. I lived in Los Angeles at the time and had my medical card so I didn't really care. Plus I didn't have a job so I extra didn't care. I owned a small ecommerce store at the time so I called my own shots and didn't have to smell like roses for anyone.

Since I didn't need to smell good for anyone, I didn't buy a sploof while living in Los Angeles. I have one now that I live in Florida and love it. It works amazingly well and keeps my apartment from reeking. If you don't want your house to smell like weed, a sploof is a great tool to have. The homemade paper towel roll sploofs suck, but the commercial grade ones are really good. I think it should be in every stoners toolbox.

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